Thursday, January 28, 2010

".....Jauhi Aku..."

"...sticks and stones will break our bones, but words wi
ll break our hearts..."

Ikhlasnya hati
Sering kali disalah erti
Tulusnya budi
Tidak pernah engkau hargai
Berlalu pergi dengan
Kelukaan ini
Ku mengalah... ku bersabar

Bertentang mata seolah-olah tiada apa
Berpaling muka ada saja yang tidak kena
Mencari sebab serta alasan yang kukuh
Supaya tercapai hajatmu

Manis dibibir memutar kata
Malah kau tuduh akulah segala penyebabnya
Siapa terlena pastinya terpukau
Pujukmu, rayumu, suaramu
Yang menagih simpati dan harapan

Engkau pastinya tersenyum
Dengan pengunduran diriku
Tetapi bagi ku pula
Suatu ketenangan

Andai kita terus bersama
Belum tentu kita bahagia
Selagi tidak kau ubah
Cara hidupmu

Ada rahmatnya
Bila tidak lagi bersama
Terasa jauh
Diriku ini dengan dosa

Ku tinggalkanmu walau tanpa kerelaan
Yang nyata kau tidak berubah...

Katalah apa yang kau ingin
Selagi kau dapat berkata
Memang begitu sikapmu
Semenjak dahulu

"...stay away!!..hahhaha...nape gitu...cakap kat sape...ntah skang cuba jauhi dari orang yg ada kat sekeliling...aku yg kene blah ke...atau dorang yg kene jauhi pe2 pun skang..just jauhi aku....hahhaa...mengong....feelin' rite now...tu la sume perasaan jiwa x tenteram....tanak sesape ade berhanpiran...menyemakkk jeee...stay away from me plis....hehhee tu ke perasaan kalu org jiwe kacau....pada aku depend pada org tu a kot..ade yg jenis need da shoulder..ade yg jenis leave me alone...huuuuu...ade jugak yg nak dua2 skali...tamak tul...hahha..aku pun kadang2 camtu....sumtime need space to alone...kadang2 need sumone to tu aaa...ade yg besa..ade yg kecil...huuuuuu....tgk situasi aku mostly suke sorang2 je kot....go to the cooool...actualy igt pesanan my teacher...she used to say..kalu ade pe2 probs...try tgk laut...insya allah tenang....hmmm....mmg jadi...kuasa allah sume tu...

Dulu... Kita mengagumi nikmat cinta Walaupun di pisah dua dunia Laut... Biru ku utuskan satu nota Walaupun berabad dialun ombak Ku kan setia Nostalgia mewarna awangan Percintaanku makin mendalam Menghiasi ruang kesepian Cinta abadi Bagai rimba cinta yang berbunga Disirami sungai kesaktian Kehadiranmu ku nantikan Aku tenggelam di dalam Syahdu bisa rindumu Belum puasku menyentuh hatimu

....stay away!!!...slowww....time to alone....then pahtu mmg jadi slow....sume jadi slow..otak pun lembab nak bfikir..movemnt slow...huuuuu...i need deep breathing...plisss.....huuuuuukkkkkkk......huuuuuu......just stay away from me!!!...."

Saturday, January 23, 2010


" is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can

......jiwe kosong...sebab ape ye..jiwe kacau..sebab ape ye....diri sendiri ke penyebabnyer...hmmm...may b...o ada penyebab laen...may b gak kot....arini ari sabtu..tak keje sesaje datang opis...actualy mmg slalu je pun lepak suasana arini berbeza dari sebelumnye...kenape ye...rase cam kosong je...huhhhh...ngeluh lagi...

....tadi terbaca satu luahan perasaan seseorang...very sad nak ngalir airmata pun ada...da tatau nak cakap pe..kenapa dia jd camtu..kenapa dia leh jadi camtu...sume sebab aku lelaki la kehidupan...very sad..actualy cam malas nak campur...tapi takleh...pe2 pun cam kena amik aku just memerhati dari jauh...tak mampu tuk hampiri dia...dia pun da jauh ngan takleh wat pe2...berdoa je a...moga2 allah buka pintu hati dia supaya kembali normal...hope so..hopeee...wat happen to u....why...huhhhh

......alone in da dark....may b tu perasaan kalu org jiwe kacau kot...kosong..gelap....terasing...sendiri....aku pun camtu gak sebenarnye...hahhahah....KOSONGGGGGG....

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

njoy ur readin'
-copy from others..

4 years ago, an accident took my beloved wife away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.

There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.
With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all i heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bed sheet and blanket!

Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation.
"Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you 'cos I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."
At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.
A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.
However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'. But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....

Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around. 'cos he makes me proud too!
Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the christmas spirit is in every passer-by...Christmas carols and frantic shoppers....but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year.

His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy.

My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: " But why did u post so many letters, at one time?" My son's reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..."
After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say.....

I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldnt help opening the letter before they turn to ash.

And one of the letters broke my heart....
Dear Mummy,

I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldnt help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why havent you appear?